My Life with Spencer

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have not been inspired to write in a while; no particular reason. i guess life gets in the way sometimes.

it’s been a great month though; free from some of the drama that was present in my life since the end of last year. i’m thankful for that.

spencer is almost 4 now and the adult stage of his life is wonderful. you can see the joy in his eyes and the calm in his emotions. it’s a beautiful thing when a dog is connected to his owner, his routine, his life. my dog trainer kevin behan always used to say to me that all dogs love their owners but few trust them; that when a dog trusts his owner and feels safe, they become the animal they were intended to be.

i was reminded of this fact early this morning. i went into the cheese shop where i congregate with the breakfast club each morning (a group of us gather there each morning and shoot the breeze). spencer is not allowed inside and while we normally stand outside and talk, today we were all inside so i left the big guy outside to fend for himself.

there is such fluidity between spencer and i, that when i walked in, i knew intuitively that he would find a way to ground himself and wait for me to come back out, whenever i was ready. and while he was not thrilled to be out there while i enjoyed my coffee and bagel with my friends, he nonetheless made due. i hate comparing him to other dogs, but most who are left alone begin to vibrate and show signs of anxiety; barking, scratching at the door to come in, whining, etc. not spencer; he found a seat near the door and waited patiently for my return. at one point when i was about done with my breakfast, i turned around and saw him staring at me through the door, lying on the ground with his head up. i had almost forget he was there, and therein lies what’s possible between dog and man; mutual trust and understanding. it was a great moment even though to most it would appear benign. not for me; i knew from where he came and where he is today; grounded, sated, calm but full of life. so i put on my jacket and went outside, opened the back door to my car and up he went.

on the drive home; i turned around and there he was, sitting near the window, eyes open and alive; happy to be heading home for his morning nap.

what a dog.

we’ll never fully understand dogs. so much of what they do and how they behave and interact with each other and us is a mystery. that’s the interesting part. for example, as you’ll see from the photo, spencer and his new friend henri seem to be pretty comfortable with each other, and they are. however, if little henri nears spencer’s water bowl while the big guy is drinking…..lookout. or if spencer is chewing a bone and henri tries to take it, not a pretty sight.

if there is a dustup, within seconds, literally, they are back to their friendly ways like it never happened; no grudges, no long conversations and apologies, neither dog trying to make up for bad behavior. it’s actually quite amazing if you think about it.

dogs live in the moment, and have no memory of what happened 5 minutes ago. the change in demeanor and behavior from rage to love, fear to comfort, is a fantastic manifestation of what makes them so different from us; and why we should remember not to treat them like people, but rather respect and embrace the primal instinct that lives inside each one of them; big or small in size, they are all wired the same.

so while i love this photo, i know it means something much more than just a cute image, and something i cannot fully understand, and therein lies the gift they bring to our lives if we let them; always mysterious; domesticated but wild. i love the duality of it.

some great photos of the big guy

most mornings spencer and i take a 4 mile walk. we drive into town, park in front of the village cheese shop, say hello to the breakfast club (a group of locals who gather there for coffee) and off we go.

it’s interesting that we could walk anywhere but choose to stroll the same route day after day. the first mile is south towards the beach followed by a mile or so west, either on the beach or street depending on weather and tide, then another mile north, and the final leg back east towards town again where we re join the group.

the loop is all neighborhood two way streets, paved and smooth the way roads in suburbia should be. there is a third ‘lane’ of grass and trees, having the street as one border and the tall shrubs that give the home owners privacy on the other. it’s a perfect path for sir spencer. he’s off leash, stays in his lane and ambles along; marking, sniffing, and picking up a stick which he will inevitably carry for most of the walk; always happy to bring it back to the breakfast club to engage anyone who wants to participate in tug of war or fetch.

i see the same people walking or running each day and acknowledge them with a nod or a smile. many of the same cars and trucks pass me by and there is a honk of the horn or some other friendly exchange. it’s all pleasant and seems like a different universe from the one i inhabited the past 20 years; the isle of manhattan.

I think what resonates with me the most however during that hour or so is just how important this ritual is for both of us. Spencer gets exercise, a healthy dose of nature, and his friends at the cheese shop. for me, it’s hard to articulate; i think the best way i can describe it is that it puts everything into context for me; providing clarity for whatever is going on in my life.

when i’m travelling, i miss the walks. upon my return, i eagerly anticipate being able to get up the next morning, open the back door to my SUV where the back seat awaits and up he goes. the Orvis ’sling’ protects the leather and gives spencer a comfortable place to sit or extend his face out the back window for the good smells. he knows where we are heading, no words are necessary and his eyes tell the story; full of joy and excitement for what is probably his favorite part of the day (with the exception of breakfast and dinner).

we walk in harmony. he’s an extension of me. when he lags behind the instinct is to catch up; when he’s far ahead he waits for me. the push/pull is natural, not dictated by commands; only a primal need for him to explore but be close enough to feel safe and the energy between us. sometimes i get deep in thought, and by the time i re examine the surroundings, we are half way done. it’s not a dream or a trance, just letting go of space and time to be present and aware in a non linear way. i love those moments.

i guess to most it’s just walking the dog. i don’t know, for me it’s become something much more.

in the park yesterday i said to spencer ‘go to the table,’ and he chose this one. it’s cute and all but its significance is more than an aesthetic photo. as you can see, the checkers table is small and not so comfy for the big guy; but he’s working and it’s another manifestation of what dogs need and what we can do to fill their lives in a way they crave.

the important point here is that spencer chooses to go to that table, because he wants to interact with me, i don’t make him go there, i ask him to go there and he does willingly versus fearing what would happen if he did not. this is a fundamental difference in the way i was taught to interact with a dog versus most dog training these days.

i try to put spencer through the paces, to keep his mind engaged not just through affection and couch priveledges (intermittent ones) but more through what will satisfy him versus me; and dogs love a purpose, they love to work. and the more we provide them with a job, the more satisfied and grounded they will be.

the mistake i think many dog owners make is they stop working their dogs once they feel they are ‘trained.’ it strikes me as similar to a person achieving something significant and then deciding they are done working on themselves or their lives. we don’t stop, why do we give up on our dogs and wonder why they sometimes revert back to old behavior or seem unhappy?

we don’t give up on our children, we don’t give up on ourselves it seems, but most of us accept the minimum from our dogs once they fall in line. shame..

i miss bunny

this morning i was wondering why the back of my left leg gets soaked when i walk in the rain but the right one stays dry. doesn’t matter, i was just happy to be able to get outside and walk the usual 4 miles i do most morning with the dog. it’s odd but i actually prefer inclement weather; makes me feel alive. the rain, snow, wind; all of it travels through me somehow, heightens the senses and just makes things interesting. and spencer’s a good boy, no leash, stays off the street, and just ambles along, in his own world and happy.

it has not been the best of weeks for me, but it has enabled me to take inventory of my life a bit which is never a bad thing. affairs of the heart have never been my strong suit. i’ll spare any readers the details (ho hum, whoa is me..), but safe to say i’m a bit sad.

and then, there’s the dog; those eyes; that face. it’s hard to be down for too long when he’s lying there in his favorite bed next to my couch in the living room. yet another gift dogs can bestow upon us if we let them; not to ‘cheer us up,’ or be our best friends, but to balance the energy in our lives.

i’m reminded of something my friend and dog trainer kevin once said to me, “dogs don’t think, they feel; their hearts are our minds, they think what we feel.” all week i’ve noticed spencer has a heavy heart; because i do. and that’s the beauty of having a connection to an animal; there is no lying in them, no agenda, no plan; they are wholey emotional beings and dogs in particular, because they are domesticated and live in our homes, reflect our state of mind through their actions and behavior. it’s a beautiful thing to see if you allow it.

so no, spencer is not my best friend, or my companion, or my whole life. he’s just my dog. that’s more than enough. i hear all the time people saying to me how lucky he is to have found me; to have been rescued from a tough life and to have found an owner who cares about him. it’s me who’s the lucky one

i’m reminded of how my life with spencer began.

it was thanksgiving 2006; i was living in the city and searching for a dog. my engagement had ended, my career was fine, but i guess i was looking for something else to fill up my life to some extent. little did i know…

my friend and former assistant shari found spencer on petfinder, i went to meet him a number of times and was indecisive about whether he was the dog for me; not because we did not have a connection. it was obvious that he was my dog, but he needed work, alot of it, and i was not equipped or prepared to undo all of the bad habits and behavior he had amassed from being a shelter dog and then in the home of a family who perpetuated all that negative energy, unwillingly or otherwise.

i waffled about the decision, but found a vet, cindy bressler, who made house calls and she gave spencer a physical in his then home. if i did decide to take him, i’d at least know he was healthy. after getting a clean bill of health, i told the family i had decided not to adopt spencer. but something inside me told me to call cindy and tell her. to this day i don’t know why i felt i had to tell her, but there must have been a reason. when i spoke to her about it, she said spencer was a “rock,” just needed training, and recommended that before i pass on him i should talk to a trainer she had recommended in the past for problem dogs, his name was kevin behan (www.naturaldogtraining.com).

i called kevin. it did not take long for me to realize that this was going to be much more than dog training; this was a journey i was about to take, one that would connect me not only to my dog, but to myself in ways i had not imagined or contemplated. he said something that resonated, even today, “dave, we are not going to take away spencer’s personality, we are going to build his character.” two days later, Kevin drove to the city and picked up the dog, on the sunday after thanksgiving. spencer went directly from his former home in harlem to his new one in Vermont, where he would spend the next three months re-learning how to be a dog.

I made the journey north just about every weekend while spencer was there. My friends at the four columns inn provided a place for me to rest. My days were spent in the woods hiking and talking about everything but spencer ironically. At night i’d have dinner with kevin and his wife agi. kevin called my dog one in a million and began to help me see things in a whole new way. It was a paradigm shift and it changed my life. I reconnected to nature and could not wait until every Friday so i could bundle up and head to the woods with my dog and new friend kevin.

About a month into the training we were coming out of the woods one afternoon after playing hide and seek. i was cold, hungry, fatigued, my mind spinning from the dialogue we had over our three hour walk together. It was below freezing, my face was numb to the touch, but i was as happy as i could be at that moment. As we’re standing there, spencer comes over and sits at my feet, his gaze on the horizon, mouth slightly open, eyes alive, grounded and calm. I paid it no mind but kevin looks at me and says, “wow, that’s your dog.” i knew then my life had changed for the better.

i keep hearing that i should write a book…about my life, my dog, etc.

i don’t see it to be honest. yes i’ve had a good life, some may even say an interesting life. and the whole dog thing has been the road less traveled but i dunno…seems a little self important to me to chronicle my experiences but if there’s an audience that’s interested, maybe i will. for now i’m a blogger.

i’m just a guy, living my life the way i want to. so far so good.

when the right song pops up on a long drive….

when the sun is shining and the air is cold

when spencer gives me that look, one only a dog can give

the sound of my motorcycle when i first start it, knowing i have 2 hours to ride on the back roads

that moment right before a long nap in the afternoon when I know i’m going to sleep well

the end of a yoga class

a text message from the right person, at the right time, for the right reasons…

the morning walk with spencer

hot chocolate at Silvers

the breakfast club outside the Cheese Shop

coffee from 7-11

yeah, life’s short, gotta appreciate the little things, for life is really alot of the same, best to enjoy it.